The Pantomime Villain

ALLY McCOISTI had to do a second take whilst skimming the weekend’s papers online. I nearly spat my Sunday brew out.

Was it April 1st? I knew it was far too early – or far too late – for Panto Season.


Journalist Joe Bernstein actually put a by-line to this! He actually had the courage or stupidity to write this and stick his own name on it.

It’s patently obvious that Bernstein either hasn’t or plainly couldn’t be bothered doing his homework on McCoist, who presided over the car crash that is Sevco Rangers.

This is the man who didn’t so much steer Rangers on their Big Adventure but sent them careening down the cliff, the man who’s had more custard pies than Chris Tarrant.

Villa were allegedly made aware of his availability after sacking former Celtic Paul Lambert. I have no doubt they were. McCoist’s PR people have long been good at what they do. Indeed, they are far better at what they do than he ever was.

Available for the manager’s position at a Premier League club …

What? In the catering department? Would you trust him to keep his hands off the pies?

On the other hand, he does appear to be good at passing hot potatoes … ask Kenny McDowall.

McCoist’s record speaks for itself. Having took over from Sir Waistcoat he made a promising start, winning his first five games even beating Celtic 4-2 at Ibrox.

But that was short lived as he’d soon overseen defeats by Malmo in the Champions League then another European exit at the hands of NK Maribor in the Europa League. After beating Celtic, he found himself out of the League Cup in a 3-2 defeat by First Division Falkirk.

The credentials for the Villa job are building and building – take note Mr Bernstein … McCoist was already going backwards.

It gets better.

He then squandered a 15 point lead over Celtic, and then hid behind the off-field troubles. His get out of jail card was that he “doesn’t do walking away”. But the title did and Celtic went on to romp it amid administration at Ibrox.

Once he realised the off-field issues were going to continue, it was a crutch he could lean on and he would continue to make excuses with it right up to the day they sent him away with his watering can.

McCoist did have success though … or so his media friends will tell you. Oh yes he did.

He won the Third Division title with a team packed full of SPL grade players on SPL wages, as the butchers, the bakers and the candlestick makers struggled to make ends meet. But alas, Queen of the South put the mercenaries to the sword in the Ramsden’s Cup in a penalty shoot-out.

Despite beating Motherwell in the League Cup, ICT beat Rangers easily in the quarter finals of that competition, at Ibrox.

It gets even better.

A young Dundee Utd side flushed them out of the Scottish Cup with almost casual ease, and the revival died. Oh yes they did!

McCoist then guided his side to the First Division championship gaining promotion to the second tier, going a full season in the League unbeaten – that should be enough to get McCoist and EPL job. They also progressed to the semi-finals of the Scottish Cup, but lost 3–1 to yep, Dundee Utd and at Ibrox. To cap a great Season off and further proving McCoist’s Managerial genius at which point it’s believed Real Madrid were monitoring this up and coming Young Manager. They suffered defeat to Raith Rovers in the Pawnbroker’s Cup again a first round defeat in the Scottish League Cup ended Ally’s quest for glory again and dashed any chance of the hot-seat at the Bernabau. Oh yes he did.

This season would spell the end of McCoist’s calamitous reign at Rangers. Hearts have pretty much lead the chase from day dot. They are now out of all cups and suffered another Challenge Cup exit this time at the hands of Alloa and have been beaten handsomely by Hibs. No-one fears them. McCoist has left a lasting legacy of lacklustre, lazy players. Oh yes he did.

Surely to God this report in a national paper was an April Fools? McCoist has won two lower Division Leagues will players on big wages. Is this the foundations for an English Premier League Club who are struggling to even buy a goal? Anyone who believes McCoist was anywhere near candidacy is truly bonkers. Oh yes they are.

What part of McCoist’s Managerial CV would have him considered for a job in the England’s top flight? Rangers fans continually and continue to berate his tactical nous. Oh yes they did.

One of his best matest and former strike partner Mark Hately went on an undercover mission on behalf of the Rangers Board allegedly and even he badmouthed his mate. What does that tell you? This is a board that the Rangers fans are baying for! So what Bernstein is telling us is that the Villa Board even considered speaking to him. Lambert who was given the Spanish Archer is arguably a better Manager than Sally.

Let’s draw a parallel, Neil Lennon was successful at Celtic and has been by-passed by EPL teams despite his Champions League exploits. The game up here carries no credence and why the Aston Villa Board would consider McCoist beggars belief. He walked away before he was sacked. Oh yes he did!

Many pitied McCoist as he steered Rangers through difficult financial times whilst picking up an £800k per annum wage. He was never physically assaulted or sent bombs and bullets so my sympathy ends there. Oh no he wasn’t!

On the face of it, this piece smacks of lazy journalism which is usually the title we’d bestow on the Scottish hacks. To quote Bernstein directly, he needs to get his facts straight.

“In 2013, he voluntarily took a 50% pay cut on his £800,000-a-year wages to help the club get over their financial problems, but that no longer applies.”

This was, and has yet to be confirmed by anyone. Again, half-arsed journalism. Oh yes it is!

Do we really believe that the Villa Board had McCoist on a short-list to save their ailing club?

Oh no they didn’t.

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Gavin McCann

A dipsomaniac funambulist steadying himself on life’s tightrope through the medium of writing. I “suffer” from diphallic terata with mild polyorchidity. Like a dug wi’ two dicks.

12 thoughts on “The Pantomime Villain

  • 18 February, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    James, did you have to put that picture of the greetin faced ear whisperer at the top of the page?

    I don’t think there’s much argument about Paul Lambert being way out of sight of A. McCoist on managerial ability.

    The amount of the supposed pay cut is also open to interpretation. My memory of that is the press initially quoted a guess figure of 15%. When this was put to McCoist his reply was that the real number was closer to 50%.

    Ever since that’s been given as 50. My guess is it was probably around 30 to 35%. But then it was never applied, was it?

  • 18 February, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    An ex-top flight player explained the many wins against better Scottish teams at Ibrox as a nightmare for opposing players who were often told of ‘the massive club that is Rangers’ by Rangers (IL) aficionados in their own dressing rooms. This can be seen in the Motherwell results in particular.
    Another ‘report’ at the weekend told us of the ‘young manager’, Mcmiost. Older than me and I’m out of school 40 years.

  • 18 February, 2015 at 4:20 pm

    Haha, you’re actually fairly hard pressed to find an older manager in the top two flights, indeed there isn’t one in the top flight at all, and only Peter Houston and Jimmy Nicholl in the 2nd tier are older than him.

    On the other hand, there are a fair number who are a full generation younger than the pieman. And not a ‘football generation’, but actually 18, 19, 20 years his junior.

    Our own manager is fully 13 years junior to young Sally and yet has spent twice as long making managerial decisions.

    McCoist is an imposter who spent most of his post-playing days in cosy roles where his toughest decision was whether or not the guy leaning over a pool of water was Tiger Woods or Ian Thorpe.

  • 18 February, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    All well and good and true but mark my words, in a season or two we will have to endure Sally when he is pundit of choice on all make of football forums. BBC?? SSB??? Sky??? Then we will have the pleasure of Super with a platform unabated.

  • 18 February, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    Far be it from me to accuse your good self of lazy journalism James but I feel it’s unfair of you to summarise Ally’s reign without mentioning the glorious league cup exit to Forfar. Despite falling behind to a 9th minute Gavin Swankie strike,a half time team talk of Gettysburg proportions saw “Rangers” storm back with an 84th minute equaliser from Fraser Aird. Despite wave after wave of grunting and farting,believed to have been caused by the dodgy Forfar bridies Ally and his troops tucked into at the end of the 90,the referee and his assistants somehow conspired to prevent the aforementioned Swankie stealing in for an undeserved winner. I believe this match is worthy of a mention as I’ve been told this display of gallantry by his men brought him to the attention of boardrooms worldwide and beyond!

  • 18 February, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    …..oh,he also masterminded an unforgettable 1-0 destruction of 10 man Forres Mechanics. Apparently Sheikh Mansour was more than impressed by that one.

  • 19 February, 2015 at 6:13 am

    Ha ha yes he was bloody useless as was someone else, who was it lost to Ross County, Morton, Kilmarnock, aberdeen when they were absolutely odds on favorites?

  • 19 February, 2015 at 7:24 am

    This the point a lot of times Celtic are crap, you might think that you are great but in reality you are rubbish.

  • 19 February, 2015 at 8:20 am

    James, need to pull you up here mate….my childhood memories of Pantomime villains were of slim moustachioed chaps tying damsels to railway tracks (Dick Dastardley was my favourite)….then you spoil that image by showing a picture of the fat whispering bigot….boo hiss to you sir.

    There are no Scottish Managers left in the EPL for good reason after 20+ years of our best guys dominating the division. Now Sir Alex is gone and David Moyes stepped from the success of Everton into the theatre of expectation that is Man U we have seen the steady rise of the foreign manager become a flood. The signing of the latest mega TV deal will not only attract even more obscenely remunerated players but the best managers from Europe and South America if they can fit them all in.

    The very thought that a club like Aston Villa with the stakes as high as they are would entrust their EPL survival and success (not to mention the £100m pot) to a complete managerial failure and tactical imbecile like Fat Swally beggars belief and lazy journalism doesn’t even begin to cover it. Mr Bernstein should have his typewriter confiscated, have Muttley tie him to a train track and be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

    Oh yes he should.

  • 19 February, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Thankfully Horace,there were a few notable achievements which more than mitigated those defeats you mention,all achieved against a backdrop of intimidation and hostility.

  • 19 February, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    Another great piece James,and true.
    Do you think Horace is another who did walk away,and came over to your page??.

  • 24 February, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Leave the fat boot alone, she,s a fanny, I like screwing fannies. Keep herself looking reasonable Sally, stay away from the steak bakes.hh

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