Praise Jesus for 9/11 and for Islamic fundamentalism.
Thank the Lord for the more hardcore followers of Allah.
What would we have done without those guys? What would we have done without the War on Terror? How would this country have coped?
The British defence industry would have been on its arse without their holy war. It would have cost us billions in exports, and tens of thousands of jobs and we’d have had a deeper recession.
And what would our poor downtrodden intelligence agencies have done with their time? They couldn’t have given everyone the gig listening to Prince William doing Kate?
Oh yeah, things would have been picking up now, with the Big Russian Bear starting to growl all over again, but what about these last ten years? We’d have had soldiers with nobody to fight. We’d have had tanks sitting in laagers, running their engines.
We’d have had warehouses full of missiles and no-one to use them on. How could we have justified ordering more?
Without the modern day Axis of Evil you get the feeling that the Scottish independence referendum might not have gone off so peacefully. For all we know, tanks would have rolled into Berwick. Special Forces troops might have swept into Edinburgh and grabbed the First Minister. They might even have pulled a Castro on us, and released all the Scottish prisoners from their jails on the condition they all moved back home.
They might have sent Cilla Black up here, to dictate terms of surrender. They might have even have threatened us with John Barrowman. To keep. With the tanks on our border, how could we have said no?
They may even – if they were really feeling cruel – have blockaded the port of Stranraer.
How would football fans have got over to watch our games?
You might not realise it, but our economic prosperity depends on our military having healthy competition. Had we not found some new enemies we’d have had to invent them.
Too much? That’s a measure of the utter, utter, utter bollocks I’ve been listening to tonight. You have to go to extremes to top it.
Yes, I am ranting. Rambling. Raving. It’s because I am fed up hearing guff. Gallons of it are frequently poured onto us, and most ridiculous of all is this “competition” crap.
See, this is what happens when I put on Radio Clyde to amuse myself as I work. I end up like this; going off my nut at the insanity. At men paid fortunes to reveal their own ignorance.
I don’t mind that usually, but these guys call themselves experts and they are condescending arses to anyone who comes on and challenges their sheer stupidity.
The above analogy doesn’t really stack up. Except that the argument that we should put up with something harmful and destructive because it has some minor, positive, effect on us (defence jobs. It’s not like these people could be retasked to making typewriters, after all) … it is the stuff of sheer lunacy.
The analogy isn’t meant to be a good one. It’s a way of my letting off some steam. It’s a way of venting. Otherwise I’d crack up.
I really ought to stop listening to this mind-numbing nonsense.
In a sense though, it’s brought me to a point I’ve been wanting to make for a wee while; I want to tackle this garbage about “competition.” I want to put it to bed.
What brought this on was a Sevconian phoning Clyde and talking about how the club needs to be playing in the SPL next season. Keevins, who is just about the stupidest man making a living in the media in the whole of the country, piped up with the following;
“The whole of Scottish football needs Rangers in the SPL next season …”
And I thought, “Eah? No it doesn’t!”
I’m sick hearing it. There is no truth in it whatsoever. There’s not even any truth in the notion that Sevco needs to be in the top division. Their ridiculous so-called business plan depends on it, but that business plan is a joke that belongs in the bin. It depends on the club maintaining its current level of spending, and that level of spending is a nonsense.
If they were willing to make the appropriate cuts, they’d stand a chance of surviving it. Instead, they’d rather plan for an eventuality that might never come to pass, one that looks increasingly unlikely, if we’re being completely honest.
Let’s continue being honest. All this “the game needs Rangers” rot is about money, and nothing more. It assumes that there will suddenly be more interest, and more money, in the game if that team is playing in the top flight.
Tell me something. Tell me why that should be the case?
Subtract Celtic from the equation for the moment, this notion that more Celtic fans would go to games if there was a genuine competition. Take that out of the considerations for the moment, because all that one does is get in the way of the really important stuff.
Attendances at most of the clubs are up. Barry Hearn can talk all he likes about a single match, and the media can blow his comments up to charity cheque size all they want, but he knows the sum total of nil about the game here and can keep his condescending remarks.
He sells out individual events. Novelty events. Some of the blogs run nights out, and they invariably sell through the roof. Should these guys be running football clubs?
Hearn doesn’t have the responsibility of running a 365 day operation in a country where the average punter no longer has the cash he or she once did, and it’s bad enough our so-called “sports journalists” talking the game down without letting some loud-mouth who probably doesn’t know a football from an Easter Egg tell us where we’re failing.
We needed Barry Hearn to tell us that Regan and Doncaster should be sacked for our top league not having a sponsor? For appalling governance? This website and others have been screaming it from the rooftops for near on three years.
It’s not breaking news, and the fact Keevins and others are calling his speech an “eye opener” demonstrates how long they’ve been walking about with them jammed shut.
The reason attendances are up at most clubs is simple; each of those clubs now has a better chance of getting into Europe and of getting to the finals of top competitions than they would if the steroid pumped Ibrox OldCo was still crashing around like a bull in a china shop.
No-one can tell me why Aberdeen fans would be more likely to come to matches if Sevco were in the top division. Explain it to me. They might get two more full houses, but they would not be more likely to buy season tickets. Nor would the fans of Dundee United. Nor would the supporters of Motherwell or St Johnstone.
The argument makes no sense whatsoever.
“It is important for competition,” people have argued. We’ll get to that in more detail in a moment, but for now let’s think on this:
This concept of “competition” would only matter to the fans of two clubs … for the rest it transforms football into a duopoly again, and how in God’s name does that inspire people to watch the game once more? Are these people suggesting these fans would rather watch their team fight for third place than they would watch them fight for second?
Nonsense. The worst kind of nonsense. Dangerous nonsense.
Scottish football almost collapsed into the abyss because of this destructive idea that we need a football club that believes rules are for other people, that thinks spending money is its right, that can’t get its act together or its house in order. Every club in this land would have ended up paying the bill for their decades of mis-management and greed … until the fans said “Hey, not in this lifetime …” and called their clubs to order.
It’s bad enough that the tax payers had to pick up the tab.
The Frankenstein’s Football Club that emerged from that period has made every horrendous mistake, and shown every bit as much arrogance, as the one that died. It is an insult to every club that lives within its means to suggest our game depends on them.
Even if it wasn’t an offensive notion, it’s a stupid one.
What is this “competition” people are talking about?
This too is insulting. It’s just assumed that their footballing joke would be better than every other club in the league but Celtic. It’s groundless, but they talk about it as if it’s a fact, as if it makes perfect sense … just … because.
This club in whom the media puts so much store is like a drunk man trying to walk in a straight line.
In case it escaped Keevins’ attention, they were knocked out of the third tier cup tournament this midweek, after being two goals to the good with 18 minutes of the game to go against a part-time team.
They are dreadful. Kilmarnock and others might bottle out of single matches at Ibrox, but once teams get the measure of how bad they really are then beatings will be a weekly occurrence. They will provide no competition worthy of the name. They will provide comedy. They will provide laughs. But that is not a good enough reason for wanting them in the league.
Some people – including Celtic fans – have said things aren’t the same without them. Of course not; things are infinitely better. The game here is healthier without the grotesque spectacle of the Celtic – Rangers game, and the top division is better without that club.
If fans want competition, they are watching the wrong sport right now, and besides … what is this crap about competition anyway?
I exile myself from Celtic Park because I won’t fund a ludicrously flawed strategy, and the bonus payments to a certain individual. On the day he packs up his pencils I’ll be back, and I’ll never miss a game. I will do that unless rules are bent to accommodate the Sevconian horde. If that happens I won’t be back at another football match in Scotland as long as I live, unless my club opposes it to the last drop of blood and then leaves the game here behind as a remedy.
This notion of “competition” has no relevance for me and I cannot even kid on I get it. I want my team to win every match, to beat every opponent, and the problems I have with the current squad is not that it has no effective rival but that it’s not winning resoundingly or comfortably enough.
Right now, we get “competition” on a game by game basis, and I don’t like it one bit.
I don’t want competition of the kind they are talking about.
Nail biting finishes? Title races that go right to the wire? Why, in God’s name, would I want that?
I have never sat down at the start of a league campaign and said “I hope we win this on the final day, with a last minute goal.” I want to win it with weeks to spare. With a record breaking goal haul. With our keeper scooping the shut out record. With a clean sweep of the awards, although I am realistic about that and never expect the sportswriters to swallow their bias and vote for Celtic employees.
“There needs to be a bit of interest in the league,” someone said to me recently. Like what? Right now we’re struggling to beat teams like Thistle. How much more interesting do people want it? Losing those games? We’re top of the league for the first time since the season began, and you know what? People were moaning and wanting the manager sacked before this run started.
Why? Because we might not win the title by double figures.
Make your minds up people. I can be that guy, because I won’t be satisfied unless we do, and I never am, but some of you are the same people talking this “we need competition” guff.
If the game needs the Ibrox club “for competition” and people are alright with that, and agree with it, and support it, then why don’t we campaign for giving them ten points of a start? Or getting the league to pick up the tab for the signings?
If it’s “competition” these people want, does it really matter how we get it? Or who we get it from? Can’t we just give Aberdeen these things, and create a new main rival? You see how ludcirous the argument is?
One club – and only one – gains anything from this “the top flight needs Rangers” garbage. It’s the one playing at Ibrox.
I would love to see other teams stronger, and challenging. As long as they weren’t too strong, and challenging too much. But it would have to happen on merit. And within the rules. From clubs which live within their means … or we’re creating nothing more than a rigged game.
It’s Friday night, friends, and I shouldn’t be hammering the keyboard because of something Hugh Keevins spewed out in his usual numb fashion. You’d think I’d be immune to this kind of stuff by now … yet here we are.
Some things though … well, they just won’t keep until Monday.
Enjoy your weekend brothers and sisters. Here’s to destroying Motherwell at home.
Competition? My arse.
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